The Wordsmith

Its been 3 days since my grandmother came back home and I have still not spoken a word to her. No sir!! Not a word!!

Our only means of communication are the wild gestures which my grandmother makes. if she swings her hand in circles above her head and points to a room I am to understand that she wants me to switch off the fan in a particular room. If she turns her fist in a clockwise direction it means i need to switch off the gas, if its anticlockwise it means I need to put it to sim. If she points a hand to her mouth and shakes her fist it means she is asking me if I am hungry, if she point to her head and then to the main door it means she is asking me to wear a cap and go out of the house because its very hot, if she makes a C around her eyes it means she wants me to fetch her glasses and so on and so forth

Before you guys start imagining that she is suffering from some severe disease which has rendered her speechless let me hasten to reassure you that the only disease she is suffering from is chronic talking on the phone caused due to abstaining from talking on the phone for 40 days.

Now my grandmother, the youngest of the 9 siblings of the NI family is THE hub of information of the family. Any kind of information, gossip, news which any member of the 1000 member family wants to know, they know the one person to contact. My grandmother.

The way she keeps tracks of birthdays, anniversaries, deaths, births etc is just astounding. Its a standard joke at home that had she been born 40 years later she would have been in one of those IIMs for the kind of analytical and management skills that she possesses, not to mention her shakuntala devi like mathematical skills wherein she can multiply 2 four digit numbers in her mind and give us the answer in under 30 seconds :O:O

So basically because of not having access to her main office (her house here in Chennai at which at any given point of time she will be seen talking to some random relative) for a month she had missed out on a lot of important family stuff and once she came to Chennai her behavior was not unlike a Somalian kid which has not been fed for 40 days and is suddenly let into a room full of world famous delicacies and the lady who started talking 3 days back has not yet stopped.

Right from the Cheenu mama who is celebrating his 80th birthday, to Lakshmi Maami whose grand daughter is marrying a *GASP* Nair to Babu who lost his job to Meera whose husband has been diagnosed with cancer there is a dizzying amount of information about my family which is right now being processed in my grandmothers head and being stored in different locations in her medulla oblongata. The very scope of the whole thing leaves me breathless. 10 children who in turn gave birth to a minimum of 4 children who in turn married and continued the process of giving birth and generally supplying the world with more of the NI clan, which now makes the NI family a formidable family with a whooping 1000 odd relatives spanning across 4 generations and 5 continents, the hub of information being not yahoo groups, not google groups but a frail old lady about 4 and a half feet high cradling a phone between her ear and shoulder in Adyar Chennai.

So basically for the past three days when she has been so much on the phone catching up with and filling in people that we have still not had a chance to talk about her trip, my mom, my home town and such and I have a feeling I will have to learn sign language if I have to understand her.
Sample this.

The other day I got up in the morning to find her talking to someone (not unusual). I causually picked up my paper, my mug of horlicks and was browsing through the paper when I suddenly saw her gesturing wildly. (not unusual)

Paati (gesturing): moving hands violently in circles, points to her clothes, points to the balcony while nodding her head furiously apparenlty acknoledging the person on the other end (I for one have never been able to understand how the other person would see her vigorous and earnest nodding but she doesnt agree)

Me (thinking): Maybe she wants me to take the clothes in the balcony from the clothes line because its windy

Proceeding to take the clothes (wet) from the clothes line and wondering why paati wanted me to take them off when there is no wind

Suddenly she gestures even more wildly and I stand there with a witless expression on my face while she continues to move her hands wildly. I proceed to take off all the clothes from the clothes line quickly thinking she is irked by my lethargic pace.

Suddenly she asks the person to hold (very very unusual) and says "Yenna di pandra" (what are you doing?)

"Nee yenna paati solla try pandra?" (What are you saying paati?)

"Ayyoo. Nimadhiya phone pesa vida maata. yenna pandra?" (you wont let me talk on the phone in peace. What are you doing?)

"Nee dhaane paati rhombha kaathu adikardhu so clothes balcony lendhu eduthuru nu sonna?" (Well, you asked me to take the clothes off the clothes line coz it was windy)

"Ayyyo, na washing machine lendhu clothes edukka sonnen. Kadavule" (I asked you to take the clothes from the washing machine in the balcony)

*looking extremely sheepish*

"Seri seri. nee phone pesu."

So everyday from now till all the give and take of information from the hub has been done is going to be the same and to make matters worse we have two phones at home and more often than not I see paati running between one phone and another playing her role of a hub to a T.
I am not sure when I will be able to talk to her in next so I am doing the next best thing. I come to office and call her while I am having breakfast and talk to her for about 15 minutes ON THE PHONE.

Yesterday this school friend of mine (from the one school where i
spent the maximum time - 3 years of schooling) messaged me and said
"Heyyy, how come you write about college, work, family but never about
school. It would be fun for all of us to read about school"

And it set me thinking about school (the 6 schools that i have studied
in till 12th) and a wave of nostalgia swept over me!!

This post is a result of that!! Quite a long and mostly boring post
but just felt like writing it! :-)

Life was so much simpler when we were kids.

Ironical isnt it? When i was a kid the ONLY thing i wanted to do was
to grow up as soon as possible and whenever someone asked me what it
was that i aspired to be i would say "I want to be big jaldi se".

But as you grow you realise you were much better off when you were 10
years old, going to school, going to siwmming classes, music classes,
dance classes and tennis classes, playing with friends, homework

when life was soooooooo busy and so full that you didnt have time to
think and were so tired at night that you slept the deepest and most
peaceful sleep and slept off the moment your head hit the pillow or
dozed off in front of the TV itself and had no recollection of appa
gently lifting you and putting you on your bed

When being the star player of the school kabaddi team was the only
thing that mattered to you

When you HONESTLY didnt know what was wrong in pulling down a girl's
skirt accidentally while passionately playing kabaddi (errr...maybe i
shouldnt have used the word passionately)

When you thought boys were icky creatures whose noses ran (oh!! mine
did too but at least they did so daintily), whose shirts were dirty
and socks smelly, whose favorite pastime was to pull the pigtails of
the class girls, whose laugh ressembled the noise which is produced
when you shake a hundred stones in a tin box. BASICALLY ewwww

When getting a 'Very good' on a term paper from a favorite teacher was
ALMOST equivalent to winning the nobel prize. who am i kidding?? it
WAS winning the nobel prize and you smiled and grinned till your jaws
ached

When you sat in recess with four close friends and giggled and *giggle
giggle* 'dekh dekh uski ek ribbon choti hai, ek ribbon badi hai' 'pata
hai usko sirf 16 out of 20 mila test mein' qualified as high quality,
most sought after gossip

When you thought getting up in the middle of class and raising issues
like "Miss, she is take outing my pencil" or "Miss she is put outing
the fan" qualified as speaking oxford certified english

When you had not more than 5-6 dresses besides your school uniform and
you never really cared about how you looked and what you wore

When being friends meant doing "katti" to each other at least 20 times
a day and yet talking to each other in class the very next day and you
made friends as easily as u made trouble in school, when the concept
of best friend was alien to you and every one who came to play with
you in the evening qualified as friend

When saturday meant half day in school, wearing a color dress,
attending art class and messing around with the paints

When the most exciting day of the week of Sunday because you were
allowed to get up a little late, because that was the ONE day when
around 20 kids would gather in the central park and play treasure
hunt, leaving clues, marking direction and confusing the other team
and shrieking like banshees when the treasure was found, because of
the weekly visit to the library to explore a whole world of enid
blyton, agatha christies, richard cromptons, archies, tintins,
asterix, because of the ice cream which we would have after dinner..

And then BOOM!!!

Adolescence hit you like the Hurricane Rita and with a face full of
acne, a mouth full of braces and loads of fat on your self you
suddenly developed inhibitions and a bashfulness alien to you.

Suddenly you only went to swimming classes in special "ladies timings"

Suddenly playing kabaddi and getting yourself dirty were "uncool" things to do

Suddenly the boys didnt seem that icky and you found yourself
uncomfortable in their presence and things like soiling their white
shirts by shaking yoru fountain pen and tying their shoelaces together
in the morning prayer didnt hold much charm.

Suddenly you threw away all champaks and tinkles but started reading
Nancy Drewwwww and Hardy *uvaaack* Boys and everyone who read those
were considered cool!!

Suddenly you found yourself confused troubled angry and egoistic all
at the same time

Suddenly you stopped telling your mother about that girl who pinched
you, the boy who pulled your pigtails and from a person who spoke
incessantly you became a silent quiet and morose person

Suddenly you hated your parents because they didnt let you stay out
after 9 in the night, because they worried about your dropping grades,
because they refused to buy you the 999 rupees jeans saying it was
atrocious waste of money since you d outgrow it in just 6 months

Suddenly you cried for silly things like a good friend not talking to
you for 4 hours.

Suddenly your wardrobe (errrr the one shelf in the cuoboard which was
generously given to you) seemed highly malnourished and you thought
your sister had more clothes than you did

Suddenly you started being choosy about your friends not hanging
around with everyone but a select few

Suddenly, RIGHT in front of your blackhead prone nose life just
changed without asking for your persmission without wondering if you
would be able to handle it.

It was an unwelcome change and you tried hard to come to terms with
it. As soon as you did and were able to handle it you were sent to
college!!

Whoooosh!!!
College!! Freedom!! Hostel!! Friends!! Fun!!
It opened a pandora's box of opportunities.
But that deserves a separate post in itself me thinks!! :)

So one of my school friends err acquaintances errr sowrn enemy rather is getting married on a reality show or rather trying to find a partner on a reality show!! :-O :-O
I mean I have never heard of anything THIS ridiculous in ages!!! I never credited her with much intelligence but this is heights!!!
How can you choose your life partner in front of 2 billion people??
How can you showcase your "life partner preferences" and the "kind of guy/girl" to the whole country???
How can you portray your desperation to the entire country??
and finally HOW CAN YOU MARRY SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN CONSIDERED BY EVERY OTHER PERSON IN THE COUNTRY AS A PROSPECTIVE LIFE PARTNER!!! Jeeeeeeeeez!!!

Reality shows for singing - ok - showcases talent
Reality shows for dancing - fine
Reality shows for losing weight - errrr
but Reality shows for finding your "soul mate" - HEIGHTS!!!

oh BTW here is the article
http://www.expressindia.com/latest-news/wedding-planner/465366/

I am sleepy, I am tired and I am in a terribly terribly crabby mood today.
I cant believe I stayed up till 12 yesterday to watch THAT (you know what I am talking about) match
I cant believe that after CSK finished batting I called my friend and said "I think KKR will be all out at 90 man. Wanna bet?" and placed a LOUSY bet
I CANT believe Dhoni played L Balaji in the death overs
OMG!!! I CANT BELIEVE CSK LOST TO KKR of all the teams in the goddamned IPL
*sob*
They are my favorite team. If ever I had a baby I think I would love it as much (or maybe a leeeetle less) as I love CSK. And errr..ummm I dont think mothers would like their babies to lose to teh worst in the race (Not that KKR is worst mind you but definitely the unluckiest and I cant believe their luck worked on the day of their match against us)

And if you like cricket as much as I do you will not go "Hawwww. Chiiiiii" when I tell you that my eyes became just a teensy weensy bit moist after Hodge hit a four off that last ball and Chennai lost, but you will probably sympathize with me and tell me how your throat also got constricted and how you were also overcome by emotion.

Ice Cream for two people in Baskin Robbins costs 195 friggin bucks. Jeeeeeeeeez!! Thats the price of one wodehouse book, 2 RK Narayan's books, one nice top, four days lunch....Sighhh!!! I am never going to that place again. NEVER
How much ever F tempts me with the "Nutty ButterScotch with hot caramel sauce on top", how much ever I have an ice cream craving, how much ever money I have in my purse (Hell!! next time I have money and see Baskin Robbins Adyar I think I will just walk another 100 steps and go to Odyssey and buy some books!!)
I am not stepping inside another Baskin Robbins.
Bloody Baskin "ROBBERS"!!

Reclining on a couch on a lazy Sunday afternoon after a good(and heavy) lunch with a couple of Archie comics in hand (Sighh!! Yeah!! I still read Archies, Tinkle, Tintin, Asterix and Enid Blyton!! :rolling eyes:), the sambhar and potato slowly work their spell and sleep overcomes you, the book slips and falls down and your eyelids droop heavy with sleep, your mouth slightly open and in this state there is nothing in this world which would induce you to leave that state of inertia and move  your posterior (except of course chocolate ice cream, chennai super kings match or date with george clooeny in that order)
You are in heaven!! Ahhh Bliss
And then suddenly "Kuch khaas hai hum sabhi mein...." your phone rings jarring your senses. You are very very rudely shaken out of your state of inertia and you frantically try to locate the source of the infernal sound while cursing under your breath. You look at the caller id and find that the caller is one pesky aunt or rather an aunt who is normally ok but is decidedly pesky when she calls you at 1 in the afternoon on a sunday. But duty beckons and relatives' calls ought not to be cut and you pick it up making it a point to sound groggy and sleepy.

You : 'Lo
PA(Pesky Aunt):Ayyayo. You were sleeping? Did i wake you up?? I am soooo sorry.
You: Errr. 'ats ok chitti. what 'appened?
PA: Well.. Are u listening
Me: Mm hmm
PA: Amma told me that she has started looking for you
Me: Whaaaa??!!!
PA: There is this nice boy who has done his MS and is working in Texas..

>>> Inspite of people on TV screaming "Agar Aap vote nahi kar rahe ho to aap so rahe ho (Kiske saath?? :P)" and newspapers calling me a Pappu (a person from the upper middle class who doesnt vote) and a lot of other unflattering names I am not voting this time.
I dont have a voters id card. I tried registering on jaago re and being a good citizen, but though they send me loads of useless messages and mails I have still not been able to figure out how they will help me vote and have still not received a voters id card.
Gujarat state refused to accept me as its domicile because i hadnt done my 11th and 12th there
Tamil Nadu state refused to accpet me as it domicile because I hadnt done my 10th here

1. Sarcasm is NOT taken the way you want it to be taken by some people. Especially if you are a girl being sarcastic is a complete No No. (what a gender biased world this is)

2. Just because people dont say anything to you when you talk to them flippantly DOES NOT mean they dont mind. They are bitching about you to another person while you naively or rather vainly think they enjoy and appreciate your sense of humor.

3. Dont talk too much. Its ALWAYS a bane!! Now I talk at the rate of 1000 wpm and can talk talk talk and still not get bored. legend has it that I even talk when I am sleeping. Most of the times though there is no need to talk I talk pointlessly, endlessly, aimlessly, relentlessly. This doesnt go down well with most people so curbing my tongue (this IS going to be tough) is on my to do list

4. Not everyone is a friend. Dont talk to everyone the way you would talk to a good friend. Really good friends would let your gibberish pass knowing you dont mean most of what you say and were born with only half a brain. Not so with not so good friends with whom u run the risk of them taking offence to what you say.

5. 50% of the people you know will misunderstand you, 40% wont even try to understand you (they couldnt care less), 5% will make an effort but give up and only 5% will actually understand you. Treasure the last 5%.

I am going to change. Not phenomenally but slowly and steadily. Will keep you guys (errrr..the 4 people who read this blog) posted!! :-)

1. Yesterday I said 'SHIT' to my on site coordinator while talking to him on phone. Now though I swear quite a little bit this was the first instance where I swore at a superior at work (the fact that i have ALWAYS wanted to swear, scream and shout at them for their incompetency and curse them for sitting at on site without knowing how to read basic english is not the point here. The point is I generally dont use foul language when I am talking to someone professionally. ahem!!!)
So this was the conversation between DOC (Dumb Onsite Coordinator) and me

DOC: So please make the following changes and send it in the next build.
Me: But the same scenario occurs in 7 other tables in the DB
DOC: yeah? Really?
Me: (thinking): errrr. ideally you are supposed to be the DB guy, analysing reuiqrements and all that. YOU are supposed to know.
Me: yeah
DOC: So make the changes in those 7 tables also
Me: SHIT!!!
DOC:...... (speechless)
DOC: Errr. what
Me: Show... Could you please show me how I need to go about doing these changes?

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/Subverse/Travels-to-myself/articleshow/4500464.cms

After watching Chennai super kings win two consecutive matches, after
an excellent 5 days spent roaming all over lower tamilnadu, after 5
days of eating good food, after 5 days of spending good quality time
with good friends I am on a high.
And after coming to office on a monday morning, after watching a
vijaykanth movie (mariyadai) on the bus journey back home, after
puking my entire lunch after watching the movie and after checking my
mails and learning that saturday is working because of "business
exgiency" I am on an all time low!! Sighh

I mean why do they have to play Vijaykanth movies on the bus?
and the movie had not one but two Vijaykanths. Sighhh
Everyone in the movie looked so humongous that at any given point of
time it was not possible to the one actor's face fully on screen
I mean meena occupied one and a half screens, meera jasmine occupied
one, dear ol' captain liberally occupied two and the last scene was a
cinematographic miracle when two Vijakanths's, meera jasmine, meena
and Ambika were all shown on one screen.
I was fine till they started playing the movie and then i started
getting nauseous and though it was because of the AC i would like to
think it was because of the movie. Hmmmm

I have decided. I am going to marry a farmer in Kanyakumari, own a
cashew farm and live happily ever after. I visited Kanyakumari,
Nagercoil, Thiruchendur, Tirunelveli, Paabanaasam, Coutrallam,
Udankudi and I like all these places better than Chennai in terms of
weather. Such beautiful lush green fields, virgin waterfalls, lovely
rivers and streams and such nice people. I just didnt feel like coming
back

Every time i see mountains or something which remotely ressembles a
mountain i do not look at its natural beauty but I only think of
climbing it or guessing how tall it would be and how tough the climb
would be. Such primate like behavior from my side must be curbed if I
have any hopes of becoming human.

There is no other better way to spend a weekend than aimlessly
driving, randomly talking, endlessly eating, helplessly laughing and
stupidly grinning at pictures. And if it is with a couple of your best
friends it is bliss. Though a small (very small) part of me wishes I
had gone on a trip to Kodaikanal with a trekking club a HUGE (very
huge) part of me would not trade the weekend for anything in this
world. This weekend reminded me of the pondicherry chidambaram
pichavaram trip last year where we just got onto the first bus out of
Chennai to Pondicherry and had a capital time not having an agenda or
a plan. Ahhh!! Wanderlust!! :)

Its amazing how all mothers and grandmothers are just the same. I mean
you can have any kind of mother or grandmother. tall, thin, short,
fat, stout, dark, fair but the ONE thing common to them all is their
absolute obsession with feeding their kids. When i go home my mother
enters the kitchen the day i enter home and leaves it the day i leave.
Nothing gives her more pleasure than pottering around in the kitchen,
cooking for an entire family, extended family, friends, friends of
children, friends of friends..basically everyone.
Sighhh!! I want to go home!! :(

So the Super Kings clash with the Deccan Chargers today!! Go super kings!! :)