The Wordsmith

So for a couple of days, weeks rather it has been the same old shit at home just the days being different. Suddenly i realize that i am tired. Tired of having to defend myself, tired of having to prove to people who should know me well that i am not doing any nefarious activities or "inviting" trouble, tired of having to portray an image of what i am NOT to complete strangers, tired of returning home from work daily to a house whose inmates look at me with worry/suspicion/anger/disgust/pity, basically everything except a normal and friendly smile or meaningless banter. Never before have i looked forward to meaningless banter more. I try and talk to people to whom i can say anything without being judged or talk anything without being misunderstood or talk aimlessly on mundane topics.

Maybe it helps me forget reality and go to a place of temporary comfort, maybe i am cheating myself, maybe i am running away from my troubles, maybe I am tired of people's pitiful glances, worried expressions and their "effort" to understand me. Frankly i would rather not be understood at all. That is such a heavy word. "Understand". Does everyone even understand themselves to actually go about understanding others? I dont know.

I wish I could just laugh and push my troubles to the morrow
I wish I could just sleep in peace without having to worry about who I am hurting by my actions
I wish I could just sleep daily and not cry myself to sleep daily
I wish people wouldn't take me on a guilt trip everyday, day after day...
I wish I could be 18 again and be in college where my biggest worry was the exams and most important need was food
I wish I was a teenager again when my biggest fear was public speaking and the most sleepless night was the night before my last exam before the much awaited summer holidays
I wish I had never grown up
I wish I could just wake up tommorrow to find out that the past month has only been a nightmare and things are actually the way i want them to be
I wish I was mature enough to understand relationships and marriage and understand that everyone, EVERYONE does it and most of them are pretty happy about it
I wish I wasn't so confused all the time
I wish I knew what I wanted from life and how to go about achieving it
I wish I could just fly and go to the Himalayas and spend the rest of my life trekking and leading the life of a nomad without caring two hoots about "society"
I wish I was a better daughter, sister, friend - a better human being
I wish I wasn't such a bitch and one striving for perfection to be one at that!! :-|
I wish I had fallen in love so I would know what it is like think about one person ALL the time
I wish I had fallen in love so I would NOT be going through what I am going through now
I wish people wouldn't judge me or have preconceived notions about me especially people who have known me for more than 2 decades.
I wish people wouldnt break my trust or at least give me a warning when they do so
I wish I loved to cry so I wouldnt feel bad for doing it so frequently
I wish I could get back my sense of humor which seems to have deserted me at a time when i need it most
I wish I wouldnt write such sad posts!!

Aaaaaaaah!!!

I wish I would quit wishing for things which will never happen!!