The Wordsmith

Ok!!!
I am terribly terribly bored and for a change I have NO repeat NO work AT ALL. After being released from my previous project where eyebrows would be raised if you left at 6.30 (and if you didnt have eyebrows you would raise your entire self and stare stupidly at the person leaving at 7) where I had strict deadlines and where every day was full of defects and bugs and other such inconsequential things I have suddenly been put in a project where i have NO work. And they are KILLING me with KT (Knowledge Transition for the uninformed) sessions

I for one have NEVER been able to understand the need/ use of KT sessions. I originally thought KT stood for Kill the Trainee because ideally thats what is done throughout the "session".

You are locked into a room and bombarded with totally and ABSOLUTELY useless information 99.9999% of which you will NEVER use and the 0.0001% when you will use it, you will actually be doing a reverse KT or in other words vomiting stuff which was vomitted AT you (Ewwwwwww!!)

I mean WHAT is the point. exactly 20 seconds after the KT session I dont remember what was said having happily whiled away time looking out of the window or laughing at the accent of the onsite guy who being Mandairin of origin cant speak English to save his life (The other day at a KT session he said "So..ummmm...when you..ahhh seee...aaaaa..surprise mark...errr..you...hmmmm will know thaaaaaat its ummmm full of errrrrors" and i was like surprise mark?? whoa?? whats that. turns out he was talking about our good ol' exclamation mark!! LOL) and generally trying to supress a yawn and doodle in my notepad. No sir!! Not the way to listen to a KT at all. The whole concept boggles my mind. Not only do they gimme KT but they also bombard me with document after document to read and raise questions during KT. Bah!! The only question that has been raised by me till now is "Is it over?" at the fag end of the KT. Sighhhh

So for a couple of days, weeks rather it has been the same old shit at home just the days being different. Suddenly i realize that i am tired. Tired of having to defend myself, tired of having to prove to people who should know me well that i am not doing any nefarious activities or "inviting" trouble, tired of having to portray an image of what i am NOT to complete strangers, tired of returning home from work daily to a house whose inmates look at me with worry/suspicion/anger/disgust/pity, basically everything except a normal and friendly smile or meaningless banter. Never before have i looked forward to meaningless banter more. I try and talk to people to whom i can say anything without being judged or talk anything without being misunderstood or talk aimlessly on mundane topics.

Maybe it helps me forget reality and go to a place of temporary comfort, maybe i am cheating myself, maybe i am running away from my troubles, maybe I am tired of people's pitiful glances, worried expressions and their "effort" to understand me. Frankly i would rather not be understood at all. That is such a heavy word. "Understand". Does everyone even understand themselves to actually go about understanding others? I dont know.

I wish I could just laugh and push my troubles to the morrow
I wish I could just sleep in peace without having to worry about who I am hurting by my actions
I wish I could just sleep daily and not cry myself to sleep daily
I wish people wouldn't take me on a guilt trip everyday, day after day...
I wish I could be 18 again and be in college where my biggest worry was the exams and most important need was food
I wish I was a teenager again when my biggest fear was public speaking and the most sleepless night was the night before my last exam before the much awaited summer holidays
I wish I had never grown up
I wish I could just wake up tommorrow to find out that the past month has only been a nightmare and things are actually the way i want them to be
I wish I was mature enough to understand relationships and marriage and understand that everyone, EVERYONE does it and most of them are pretty happy about it
I wish I wasn't so confused all the time
I wish I knew what I wanted from life and how to go about achieving it
I wish I could just fly and go to the Himalayas and spend the rest of my life trekking and leading the life of a nomad without caring two hoots about "society"
I wish I was a better daughter, sister, friend - a better human being
I wish I wasn't such a bitch and one striving for perfection to be one at that!! :-|
I wish I had fallen in love so I would know what it is like think about one person ALL the time
I wish I had fallen in love so I would NOT be going through what I am going through now
I wish people wouldn't judge me or have preconceived notions about me especially people who have known me for more than 2 decades.
I wish people wouldnt break my trust or at least give me a warning when they do so
I wish I loved to cry so I wouldnt feel bad for doing it so frequently
I wish I could get back my sense of humor which seems to have deserted me at a time when i need it most
I wish I wouldnt write such sad posts!!

Aaaaaaaah!!!

I wish I would quit wishing for things which will never happen!!